FML. Those are are three letters that would come to my mind if my job description included standing in front of a fry-o-lator all day. That's why my hat goes off to any grease peddler who can co-opt a piece of vulgar internet slang and turn into a brand name. FML => Fries My Life. That's the spirit, guys. When life gives you lemons, make heart disease and diabetes.
You can find this French fry stall in Xin Shi Jie, the new food court that now resides where City Shop's branch once was. Everybody else comes here for Xiao Yang Shengjian, Saizeriya, and the Hungry Toast stall. So there is seldom a line here. That means you'll get free reign of fries.
Let's take a look at what's on offer. But first, how about a little something to amuse your bouche? VPNs ready... Click .
Now, without any further ado, let's start with this...
The "Yamato Teriyaki." Teriyaki is more or less the Japanese equivalent of ketchup. I don't know if they put it on their fries there, but they should. All that sweet sticky umami action works nicely with fried starch. As an added touch, FML sprinkle dried bonito flakes on top. It's the stuff you see on okonomiyaki, that pizza-like dish you see at izakayas. And as with okonomiyaki the rising greasy heat causes the bonito flakes flutter and writhe, making your snack look like a sea anemone. Price: 14rmb
Continuing on with the Japanese theme we've got this...
Wasabi mayo. Fairly self-explanatory, right? There is nothing terribly innovative about this condiment. It's been a staple at forward-thinking burger joints for year. And that's because it works. Price: 13rmb.
There is also this...
The "Special Cheese." It's common wisdom that any foodstuff in China that is prefaced with the word "special" is best avoided. "Special" is the catch-all descriptor for any kind of animal that you may have kept as a pet when you were younger. It's what decorum dictates they call that bowl of braised bull penises on your table. It's how your local friends describe what you're putting into your mouth when they're all playing "Will the laowai eat it?" behind your back. And yes, I'm convinced that this game exists. Fortunately, there is little to nothing "special" about this topping. It's just the standard cheese-fries trope. Pretty hard to screw up. Price: 15rmb
If you like your processed cheese to be a little more exotic, however. You can order this...
The "Mystery Ya San Cheese," a topping to arouse the latent Orientalist in all of us. I like to think that maybe, just maybe, Fries My Life has a line on some kind of mystical cheese product from the mythical land of Shangri-La. Perhaps a small community of Tibetan lamas who are sworn to a vow of silence make it from celestial yaks in a golden temple somewhere in the Western Pureland. And once this Mystery Cheese comes in contact with fried potatoes it magically binds them in a semi-congealed French fry singularity.
...Or maybe the ancient Chinese secret is to simply throw some chunks of Velveeta into a coffee cup, sprinkle them with cayenne powder, and nuke it all in the microwave for a few seconds. I'm still not sure. Price: 16rmb.
Or there is this...
A perfectly fine order of fries desecrated with an ice cream scoop full of blueberry mayonnaise. WTF, FML? Bluberries whisked in with oil, vinegar, and egg yolks. Take a minute to picture in your mind's eye what that mess must look like after sitting in the sunlight for a couple of hours. I'm guessing most customers do when they see this item on the menu. I don't get the impression that it's ordered terribly often. The scoop they gave me had a nice little rind forming around the edges. Adding insult to injury, they top it off with a runny rivulet of blueberry sauce, the kind of stuff they'd use in a fro-yo stand. Awful. Seriously. Blueberries? Sigh... FML. Price: 15rmb.
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