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Well, hello!, here’s a little thing that signifies human kind’s inexorable forward march towards a fiery and righteous world ending armageddon event, one in which the towering spires of civilization crumble from dead-rot and topple, moaning and splashing, into swirling vortexes of lava and brimstone; in obsidian wastelands, the cries of abandoned babies choked to a gurgling silence by nuclear ash spewing wordlessly downwards from the shattered and broken heavens; the rivers of blood and gore surge across charred fields and stain the ground a permanent crimson. Bloating, baking, and then exploding in the streets, the fetid and blackened corpses of—

...what I’m trying to say is that Shanghai's Kentucky Fried Chickens are now offering “Pizza + Chicken = Chizza” and I went and ate it!

YES.

The bastards have done it. They’ve finally done it. They’ve combined chicken and pizza. Straight from The Island of Dr. Moreau and really making an impact impacting your colon is “Chizza”, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s chicken, it’s pizza, it's flying too close to the scorching pits of hell on wings of processed cheese.

The campaign was rolled out on WeChat yesterday, and while Shanghai could breath a sigh of relief that the post wasn't yet another thirsty spam "moment" from That's Shanghai updating you to non-existent typhoons, the respite was short-lived. Chicken and Pizza? "Chizza"? How could such a thing come to be? What would such a thing taste like? How do you even pronounce that? Could life ever be the same again?

The deal is 35rmb for a combo meal with fries and a drink for single diners and 59rmb for two, although I’m wracking my brains and I can’t conceive of a circumstance in which anybody who would order such a thing could also ever be able to fill out the requisite amount of friends (one) to satisfy the deal. Who knows though. Maybe there are two guys out there somewhere who are like the Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid of living in their parent’s basement and collecting their belly button lint in jars.

The demonic algebra denotes the equation “Pizza + Chicken = Chizza”. The chicken element, standing in for the pizza crust, is a standard KFC chicken burger, flattened to a miserable saucer. On top of that, you've got processed cheese, corn, pepper, tomato paste, and pineapple. It's not unlike the "Hapy Colorffull Piizza" option offered in some train station of the damned in Anhui. The chicken is deep fried in the deep fryers of despair; the pizza is then baked on top of it in the Kentucky Fried kilns of sorrow.

It Tasted Like...

...like a low-grade Chicken Parm kind of thing. Like the Chicken Parm that they'd serve up in a Dickensian orphanage. It's like a Chicken Parmesan that makes you want to run away from abusive nuns and join a gang of 19th century pickpockets, with their endearingly ragged clothes, beguiling sing-a-longs, and dusty top hats. I've never been a fan of KFC chicken — this is the "spicy" Chicken variety they have, which means it also offers the sensation of carving up the roof of your mouth with a gardening tool — and the fact that it had been sitting in the heated tray for a few hours before making its way into my face, like it was between fucking dimensions of deliciousness, really drove the experience home as a singularly unpleasant one. It's heavy, greasy, oily, miserable, and forlorn.

And afterwards, I felt just awful. Like my stomach was busied. Felt like I'd eaten something that was stored in the shoe of someone who'd just taken a 16-hour plane ride from the other side of the world.

So yeah... gonna have to take another pass at this one! Not convinced!