Damn, Shanghai restaurants. Damn.
And then, as everybody knows, there鈥檚 . Munchies is American 鈥渂outique fast food鈥�, a husband and wife operation with two locations -- burgers, hotdogs, sandwiches, milkshakes, and more -- a very satisfying, cost-effective gut blast delivered to your door. The name is a weed joke (hahaha) and the staff apparently dresses in hippie tie-dye clothes or something, I don鈥檛 know because I鈥檝e never been to the actual restaurant, I eat it on the couch in my underwear, hungover to fark, and watching a movie with Vin Diesel in it and he鈥檚 like an agent or a mercenary or a cop or something.
He's a "weapons specialist".
This much is true: on the golden mathematically equation that solves food cost to taste satisfaction to nutritional fulfillment -- charted on a 3D graph with wallet-stomach-spiritual satisfaction axes -- Munchies delivery scores very high. By my calculations, 34.6568. Probably higher than any delivery in Shanghai.
It鈥檚 the only restaurant in town that knows I鈥檓 not on a date 鈥� never on a date, God no 鈥� and I鈥檓 not 鈥渢rying to impress guests鈥�. Never. What鈥檚 a guest? Let鈥檚 be real: I鈥檓 not even going to wipe the barbecue sauce out of my chest hair when it slops down because that鈥檚 what the shower tomorrow morning is for. I just need someone to feed my damn face because the movie is just starting and Vin Diesel is at like a CIA headquarters or something and he a "street level recruit" with "off the charts aptitude tests鈥� and 鈥済enius-level code breaking skills鈥�. Shit is about to go off. Need a damn chillllli dogggggg and a shake! For like 50rmb!
Oh shit, it's on, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson!
For two or three or four years or something like that it was a love affair. I ordered that damn Munchies, fast and furious, like three times a week and all was good in the Shanghai world.
And then something happened. They鈥檙e in-house business took off -- you can hear it over the phone when you order -- they expanded, had to re-staff for Lunar New Year or something, I don鈥檛 know what, but I had four shitty delivery experiences in a row culminating in, no exaggeration, the most horrible experience of my entire life -- no exaggeration, most horrible thing ever, ever, oh my God -- in which a delivery guy sprayed cheese all over my door. .
So I freaked out, wrote the only restaurant review I鈥檝e ever written and swore off the restaurant.
And then two days later, I was like fuck it, ordered again and it was alright again. And then I ordered again like three more times after that and it was all good.
But the nice thing was after I had that meltdown, the owner of the restaurant emailed personally to apologize.
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He writes:
鈥淣ot sure exactly what to say accept this is a huge disappointment. I am sorry for your recent run of bad experiences here at Munchies. My name is Jason, my wife and I run Munchies here in Shanghai.
I do apologize for not getting good value and simply not getting what it is that we try to offer everyone here in Shanghai. Which should be good service, tasty American food and honest prices.
I hate reading and replying to something that I thought I had a better control over鈥� It鈥檚 not going downhill fast; I haven't given up on our standards.
I'd like to blame it on all new staff after CNY, but it鈥檚 not all that. I would hate to lose a long-time customer but I do understand.
Thanks for making things clear that we have a problem that needs addressing. Check back with us soon enough. Things, I can guarantee, will get back to normal and with a few new changes to come鈥� Sorry once again Morgan鈥︹��
***
Isn鈥檛 that nice. The thing about restaurants in Shanghai, and probably restaurants everywhere I assume, is that actually -- strangely enough -- they鈥檙e not all out to get you and they鈥檙e not trying to scam you. They actually want to make you happy and serve you food you鈥檒l like. It鈥檚 a hard job, mistakes get made, and people are human. But maybe should all relax a bit and have a little perspective. It's just a hamburger.
I鈥檝e 鈥渞evisted鈥� Munchies delivery like 3 million times over the years and have been satisfied like 99.9% of the time. This is my professional opinion on the restaurant and I鈥檝e seen basically every single Vin Diesel movie, including The Pacifier.
Do not see this movie. Pfffttt.
Here鈥檚 how I roll at Munchies:
The New Standard
I OD鈥檈d on their burgers in the first few years of ordering and now I鈥檓 a Central Park hotdog guy with a non-freedom fries side dish plus Cosmic Charlie. In my opinion, it鈥檚 the best combo of options that fill you up and still leaves you active enough to jog to the bedroom to retrieve the bong between screenings of Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift and Fast Five -- the fifth one. Skip the fourth Fast and Furious -- it鈥檚 a horrendous piece of shit that insults your intelligence.
The Healthy Choice
This is what I order when I鈥檓 training for the Olympics. A nice healthy BLT with piles and piles of bacon, slathered in mayo on a baguette. They forgot the 鈥淭鈥� this time. Oh Munchies! That green bastard is a cucumber juice. You have to really like cucumbers if you order this but it does take valuable milliseconds off your 100-yard dash.
Osama's Nightmare
BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger badboy with freedom fries and a peaney-butter chocolate-brah shake. This鈥檒l kick your ass into next week. This is what Vin Diesel eats right here before he drives a Lamborghini through the face of some freedom-hating terrorist. USA!
Ordering Tips:
-Extra Catsup: They give you one lil鈥� ketchup guy and that鈥檚 usually not enough if you鈥檙e an enthusiastic freedom fry dipper. Order down 鈥渆xtra ketchup鈥� and party on. They鈥檒l send over two lil鈥� ketchup guys or a bigger ketchup guy for your effort.
-Explore the other side dishes: The number one leading cause of Munchies fatigue is automatically ordering the freedom fries with everything. I don鈥檛 mind the potato salad. The pasta salad is so-so and has some healthy broccoli bits in it. And coleslaw is coleslaw. A cornerstone of Western civilization.
-They have other nice milkshakes: Yeah, the peanut-butter chocolate is both awesome and dope, but if you order it too much you get sick of it and, again, this leads to Munchies fatigue. Get down on a simple vanilla or strawberry. They鈥檙e really quite good. And there鈥檚 other nice singular juice options as well, like the Cosmic Charlie.
-South Beach Cuban Sandwich: Forgot to mention the Cuban Sandwhich in here somewhere. That鈥檚 a good one too. Good thing about Munchies is that it exposes you to the rich cultural and culinary heritage of North America. Like Cincinnati!
-Salads: Munchies has something called 鈥渟alads鈥� as well but I can鈥檛 confirm this.
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For both listings of Munchies, . for the menu.
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