This is a cautionary tale. A parable, if you will. It's a Chinese New Year story about going to a foreign land, doing whatever the fuck you want, and learning hard lessons. The victims were a Dutch architect (the duck), an American finance bro (pseudo-intellectual bear), and a Japanese nature consultant (Totoro).
They met at a happy hour somewhere on , pounding gin & tonics and trading tales of sin in "The Orient" (yes, they actually used the word "orient"). They quickly realized that they shared some of the same females and many of the same ignorant misconceptions about China, and soon the topic came to Chinese New Year.
鈥淒ude they fucking lovvvvvvvve fireworks over here in tha鈥� Hai!鈥� yelled American Finance Bro.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 because fireworks are fun. The Chinese know how to party,鈥� the Dutchman explained while smacking on chips and mayonnaise.
鈥淔ireworks are not allowed in my country because they disrupt the balance and harmony of nature.鈥� The others paused at Totoro鈥檚 remark.
鈥淗ey Totoro, how 鈥榖out you stop being a bitch and take this shot.鈥�
Not wanting to seem impolite, Totoro took the shot of Bacardi 151. Then another, and another, until happy hour ended and American Finance Bro got an idea.
鈥淗ey guys, let鈥檚 show Shangers that you don鈥檛 need to be Chinese to have a fucking killer time with fireworks! My hash dealer is about to meet me down here and he鈥檚 gonna throw in some free fireworks since I鈥檓 a top customer. I know the perfect spot down by the river to blow some shit up - we bout to get cray cray up in dis鈥� bitch. Yolo!鈥�
The Dutchman and Totoro did not understand the meaning of 鈥渃ray cray,鈥� but with 20rmb gin & tonics coursing through their veins, they all piled onto one electric scooter and headed south, swerving through the crisp January air and narrowly avoiding taxis and aunties. They finally reached their destination, a perfectly flat stretch of concrete with a panoramic view of the city鈥檚 futuristic buildings. The Huangpu River flowed beneath their feet as they lit spliff after spliff after spliff, and the Dutchman produced a bottle of baijiu he stole from his company鈥檚 New Year party.
Little did this trio know that they were drinking at their own funeral. American Finance Bro removed the bag of fireworks from his Gucci backpack and aimed his iPhone lens at the sketchy pile of explosives...
"Dude we gotta Instagram this shit first!鈥� Click. Then the hashtags: #Shangers #GettinHighInThaHai #iFuxWitChineseNewYear #YOLO #ExpatLife #WorstBehavior #InternationalCrayCray #ZhongNanHighAsFuck
But it was the last photo they would ever post on social media. These guys learned the tragic way that Chinese fireworks bang hard like Afghan artillery, and that mixing them with alcohol and drugs is more dangerous than going raw with the sisters of Yongfu Lu. Sometimes Shanghai can feel like a video game, but shit can get very real if you鈥檙e not careful. These pictures are graphic 鈥� hopefully graphic enough to scare you about the dangers of Chinese New Year.
PS: If you think we鈥檙e joking, just search for 鈥淔ireworks Injuries鈥� on Google Images. Some of the fireworks you can buy on the street in Shanghai, even at licensed shops, could easily maim or blind you鈥r start a fire鈥r really scare your pets鈥r harsh your mellow in countless other ways. Not to mention they contribute to the air pollution you all post about in your WeChat moments while smoking cigs and drinking who-knows-what at . Be safe this year.
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