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It's Donnie. That's really all you need to know. Isn't it?

Hey, how ah ya Shanghairen? I鈥檓 Donald Mahoney AKA The Wonton Don, self-described Internet celebrity, Roger Federer impersonator and avid goose lover. I guess you could say I鈥檓 a man of many hats but very little actual clothing, which is why I鈥檓 mainly seen around town wearing either a Boston Celtics Jersey or a Suisey鈩�. While I鈥檓 normally quite the social moth during the weekends, I just got back from a three-week spiritual retreat on my Ayi鈥檚 farm in rural China and I swear on my mother鈥檚 life I found enlightenment in the woods by her lake (It鈥檚 a long story that鈥檚 succinctly wrapped up in two Youtube videos so check 'em out. #SHAMELESSPLUG.) Well anyways, now that I鈥檓 enlightened my weekends will probably be filled with boring shit like meditating and playing mahjong, so I鈥檒l just give you a taste of my typical pre-enlightenment weekends, at least the version safe enough for the uncorrupted virgin eyes of study-abroad kids.

Friday morning I鈥檒l typically wake up around 2pm and head directly to my production offices AKA 鈥淭he Sweat Shop鈥�. Its not actually a sweat shop, but its definitely a small room filled with a bunch of people sweating while working for far below minimum wages, so I thought I鈥檇 be funny to give it a cute nickname. I鈥檒l stay just long enough to quickly check if I look handsome enough in all the shots and bark out some threatening nonsensical orders to make sure my video editors 鈥� who are definitely old enough to be employed 鈥� stay on their toes. Next, its off to the fabric market to get production started on the third generation of my passion project, The Suisey鈩�, it鈥檚 a sports jersey/suit jacket combo that I think could potentially revolutionize men鈥檚 fashion.

By the time I leave the fabric market it's probably 5PM, time to get back on the booze and grab some grub. After crushing about six Harbies, two Fantas and some Jinjiu on the Family Mart steps, I鈥檒l head into Morton鈥檚 happy hour, where they offer free steak sandwiches and 50rmb martinis. Once there, I strategically pretend I鈥檓 washing my hands in the bathroom. Whenever the sandwich platters come out I head out to the bar and grab six, then head back into the bathroom. REPEAT UNTIL FULL. This way I enjoy world-class steak without ever having to pay for a Martini. As I get ready to leave, my Wechat usually starts blowing up with promoters promising me free drinks all night if I say their name at [insert generic Chinese club name]. Its a wicked good deal on paper but unfortunately the buzz you get from drinking the fake alcohol they serve at those places just makes you crave McDonalds like crack, lose all motor function, and feel like shit for the next 48 hrs. I鈥橪L PASS鈥�just kidding, by the 4th or 5th time someone asks I give in and get absolutely fuckin' tanked.

Now for Saturdays鈥�ahh good old Saturdays. To be honest with you, I鈥檓 not entirely sure what I鈥檝e done during Saturday for at least the past year. Its a complete blank slate. All I know is that I normally wake up the next day between 7-10AM on the couches of Amber lounge, feeling extremely refreshed(read: still drunk), ready to make Sunday my bitch.

First thing I鈥檒l do Sunday is hit up La Boulangerie on Yongkang Lu for lunch where I鈥檒l use all the money I saved drinking free fake alcohol Friday night to buy me a 30rmb half Parma ham/half salami Sandwich on a Ciabatta w/ veggies, mayo, and mustard. HOLY TITS these things are delicious. The French really know how to do bakeries (side note: I鈥檝e never actually seen a French employee working here). After a few Brooklyn IPA鈥檚 at Dean鈥檚 Bottle Shop it's off to Perry鈥檚 on Huaihai Lu for FREE CIGARETTE SUNDAYS!!! (this actually exists) where I鈥檒l puff at least three packs while telling all the high school expat kids in the bar about my glory days as the star defensive end of my JV football team. Finally, it鈥檚 off to another bar for one last weekend drink to cure the . I usually chose as according to every unmarried creepy 50-year-old laowai in town, they serve the freshest bottle of San Miguel in the city.

Wow. Now that I see it on my paper my past weekends were pretty legit. This whole 鈥渆nlightened鈥� phase I鈥檓 going through may have to be put on the back burner. Zai Jian. DONNIE OUT.